Human self-interest is one of the axioms of the behavioral sciences: It is at the core of economics (we all want stuff so we can live more comfortably), psychobiology (we all want to Marvin Gaye and get it on so we can pass on our genes), and more (we’re all just really obsessed with ourselves).

This of itself is not a bad thing; we don’t blame anyone for wanting to escape poverty, find a spouse/significant other, or otherwise improve their life. It’s only when these desires are taken to extremes, or when they begin to infringe negatively on the lives of others, that we view self-interest as a bad thing: a billionaire who still wants more, a leader who exploits workers for personal gain, or someone who sleeps with as many people as possible just for the thrill.

There are a variety of words in the English language that can be used to describe this kind of behavior, but two that I want to focus on that are used regularly are selfish and self-centered. Often these are conflated and used interchangeably, but a selfish person can be very different than a self-centered one (a selfie, interestingly, is not a person or a trait, though some find it to be equally undesirable).

C.S. Lewis put it well (as he usually does) when he said:

“Selfish, not self-centered… The distinction is not unimportant. One of the happiest men and most pleasing companions I have ever known was intensely selfish. On the other hand I have known people capable of real sacrifice whose lives were nevertheless a misery to themselves and to others, because self-concern and self-pity filled all their thoughts. Either condition will destroy the soul in the end.  But till the end, give me the man who takes the best of everything (even at my expense) and then talks of other things, rather than the man who serves me and talks of himself, and whose very kindness are a continual reproach, a continual demand for pity, gratitude, and admiration.”

Selfishness is an intensification of our natural tendency toward self-interest; self-interest in the sense that we want to have the highest possible standard of living, the most pleasure, or the greatest happiness we can. Selfish people will often go to great, immoral lengths to increase their own status, wealth, or comfort.

Self-centeredness, on the other hand, is an intensification of our natural tendency toward self-interest; self-interest in the sense that we are very very interested in ourselves: our own story, our own personality, our own preferences, actions, experiences, etc. Self-centered people can talk about themselves for ages without ever getting bored (while the ones they speak to only last a few minutes).

Most people recognize that both traits are rather unfortunate and should be eradicated from our temperaments, but selfishness seems to be viewed as the greater of the two evils. As such, people might feel satisfied in their own selflessness (or at least, lack of selfishness), and proceed to wax eloquent of their own goodness, charity, sacrifice, and virtue, dodging one vice while unwittingly diving into another. This is what Jesus refers to when he warns against sounding a trumpet when we do good (Matthew 6:1-2). Avoiding selfishness is admirable, but once we have we must be careful not to be too prideful in our own goodness. Like C.S. Lewis said, the one who does good but speaks only of themselves can be more taxing than the one who taxes everything and speaks of others.

Because we think selfishness is worse, we are less averse to letting self-centeredness silently creep in and take its place. We must, however, guard against both equally. Selfish people are undesirable, but self-centered people are insufferable.

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