Comparison is the thief of joy

Theodore Roosevelt maybe?

The urge to compare has deep roots: psychological, social, and physical. It has been in our nature since nature began: can I eat this or will this eat me? Should I live here or there? Is this the same mushroom as last time? It is inescapable. Even our bodies are wired for comparison, with much in our senses organized to recognize differences: temperature sensation, voice recognition, and vision, for example. It is, in part, how we understand reality.

In many ways, however, comparison is precisely how reality escapes us. When we don’t have all the facts, it can be deceptive and damaging. Social media allows us to hide our true selves, and allows others to do the same. We present only what we want others to see, and see only what others present. It promotes false comparisons: The selected best we see of others to the unfiltered mundanity we see in ourselves. Instead of feeling connected, we feel threatened. It drags us down. It discourages us. It leads us to do things that aren’t in our best interest.

Clearly, comparison can rob us of our joy. But to say that it is categorically negative is to underestimate its value.

When done well, comparison can be enlightening and expanding. It can be a source of beauty. (Shall I compare it to a summer’s day?) It can comfort and validate. It can motivate and inspire.

So what’s the deal? How do we know when comparison is good and when it is not?

I’m not really sure. It seems that comparison is a tool: it doesn’t have inherent quality, and morality is determined only in its use. Similar comparisons in different contexts can lead to different outcomes, good and bad. At its heart, however, I believe that what makes a comparison positive or negative, a deliverer of joy or a thief of it, is the motivation behind it, and the actions we take because of it.

Attitude and Action
While comparison is a natural, unavoidable part of life, it also seems we have, in many ways, been conditioned for hostile comparisons: we are taught often of the survival of the fittest and natural selection; our economies are based on competition and contest; so much in our society tells us that to be less or different is death: socially, economically, even literally. So we compare, in an attempt to avoid failing or falling behind. We try to keep up with the Joneses. We try to fit in with everyone else.

As a result, we become miserable. But the solution isn’t to stop comparing, it’s to compare differently:

Instead of comparing to make sure we aren’t worse than others, we can compare to make sure we’re better than we were.

Instead of using comparisons to see what we aren’t, or what we’re missing, we can use them to more fully realize what we are, what we have, and what we can become.

Understanding and acknowledging the distance between where we are and where we want to be can help motivate us and point the path forward. We can close that gap. We can realize our potential. In this situation, comparison to others can be useful, when we use them as a reference point: we see what others have or have done and know that it is possible for ourselves. We can see what works and what doesn’t. Even competition has its merits: It leads to innovation and progress. It prevents stagnation. We push ourselves past the limits we thought we had and gain new insights and experiences. Unhappiness comes, however, when we see others not as a reference, but as a goal, and thus start to chase not a better version of ourselves, but a version of someone else we can never really achieve. Instead of living up to our potential, we try to live up to theirs.

Joy in comparison comes when we use it to better ourselves and reach our potential, and help others do the same. It comes when we let comparison motivate and inspire us to take action, even if we initially feel inadequate or that we compare unfavorably.

Joy is lost when we use comparison only to try and best others, or when we let ourselves wallow in our perceived inadequacies.

In summary, comparison is complicated topic, with far more nuance and intricacy than this brief exploration shows. Perhaps you find this unsatisfying, with many more questions than answers. I certainly do. But overall, I think comparison gets a bad rap. It may be a thief, yes, but it is Robin Hood, not Bonnie and Clyde. What it takes from some it gives to others. It is a tool, not a tyrant; we use it as we will, and while we have been taught to use it negatively, we can choose instead to use it better.



































































Because comparison is such a broad topic with so many facets, and in an attempt to be more open, I’m doing something new: Instead of deleting my notes and thoughts for this post, I’ve included them here so you can get a sense of how I think, what process I went through, and what other considerations I had that didn’t make it into the “official” post. None of this is in any particular order, nor do succeeding “paragraphs” necessarily fit together.

We are primed to compare externally: Me vs. You. Us vs. Them.

Often this means comparing ourselves less to others and comparing ourselves more to ourselves.

Perhaps in some cases the only difference between a helpful comparison and a harmful one is the action we take afterwards.
Or, perhaps the difference is the purpose

Subtractive vs. Additive comparisons
Replace negative comparisons with positive ones.

Perhaps in some cases the difference between a helpful comparison and a harmful one is what direction we face: harmful comparisons are stuck in the past and present. Helpful comparisons are focused on the future.

A life focused on negatives will inevitably become negative. As C.S. Lewis said: “I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight. I had always aimed at limited liabilities.” Instead of using comparisons to make sure we aren’t struggling, we should use comparisons to make sure we are thriving.

Even the comparisons that do make us better and cause us to strive and thrive can be motivated by a desire not to fail rather than by a desire to succeed.

Often even when externally we don’t compare “favorably” with others, we can be happy because we know internally that we have surpassed our own expectations, or performed better than we ever have before, or gave everything we had. Don’t compare our best now to someone else’s best; compare our best now to our best before, or what our best can be

In these cases, comparison may be the antithesis of gratitude; instead of being grateful for what we have, we focus only on what we don’t.
Or at least its detriment.
But comparison can help us recognize gifts and blessings. So it aids gratitude?

Neutral comparisons: this shirt vs that shirt. This house vs that house. this meal vs that meal
Important comparisons: this relationship or that relationship? This career or that career?
Negative comparisons: when comparing ourselves to people, in order to be better than them? Or to make sure we’re the same as them?
Positive comparisons: when comparing ourselves to people, in order to be better than we were? To fill our potential?

Perhaps it is that internal comparisons are better than external comparisons. We compare ourselves now to how we once were, or to what we may become. And we see what we may become when we look at what others before us have been able to achieve.

Comparison is at the core of religion: How do I compare to God? What do I need to do to be better? How do I become more Christlike? This also applies to historical figures or celebrities: we want to emulate their virtues. Why does comparison with those around us often lead not to a desire to improve, but a desire to compete? Why doesn’t comparison to deity lead to envy and jealousy, when comparison to our neighbor does?

Being inspired by the goodness of others vs. being envious of it

Comparison is like judgement: Often we say “judging is bad!” when in reality, judgements are an important part of life. We cannot live a good life without judgement, nor can we without comparison. Comparison and judgement are just two parts of the same phenomenon. It’s not that we shouldn’t do it, it’s just that we need to make sure we’re doing it in the right ways. The command isn’t “Compare not,” it’s “Compare not unrighteously.”

“Jealousy is a road map.” – Jen Sincero
“Jealousy can take us places. Jealousy can be our compass. It can be an insight into our creative vision and desires. It can point us in the direction of our dreams.” – Amie McNee

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